NEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image, the New York Police Department reportedly commemorated Independence Day this week by using fireworks for crowd control. “We’re hoping this festive display will help us all come together as a community to celebrate this great nation by shooting Roman candles into gatherings of protestors,” said Commissioner Dermot F. Shea, telling reporters that the department had a full artillery of stunning pyrotechnics at their disposal with which to subdue suspects. “We’ve already gotten a wonderful response from getting the chance to ooh and ahh at those brilliant plumes of red, white, and blue exploding into the faces of a cluster of marchers. In fact, the officers have been having so much fun, we might make it an annual tradition!” At press time, Shea had been forced to address complaints after an officer was filmed driving over a protester with a star-spangled parade float.
11 months ago