LOS ANGELES—Noting that it had been a difficult but ultimately rewarding decision, Ellen DeGeneres announced to her bound-and-gagged staff Wednesday that she had officially made plans to end them. “These past two decades have been so satisfying, but now it’s finally time to move on from your mortal bodies,” said DeGeneres, praising her longtime writers and producers for all they had been able to accomplish before ultimately expiring in a locked cell that was slowly filling with noxious chemicals. “We all knew this couldn’t last forever, and it’s safe to say that your lives have run their course at this point. Of course, no matter what my next project is, I’ll never forget that you were the fine folks who first helped me develop my insatiable bloodlust, and I hope you’ll remember me as you’re writhing in agony.” At press time, DeGeneres had won over audiences yet again by doing a wacky dance on her staffers’ corpses.
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